Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
