I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
