No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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