Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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