checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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