i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
