I think i peed on brittanys purse
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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