One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
