your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize