That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
