Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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