rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
