my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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