i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
