UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
