You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
