I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
