Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
