alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
