I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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