Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
