I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
