gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
