he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
