Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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