Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
