i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
