Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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