this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
