you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just want nice things and good sex
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
