i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
