I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
