I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
