Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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