over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
