At least make sure they are 18
Why
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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