so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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