dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Randomize
