i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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