So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
