Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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