I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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