I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
