You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize