i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
