That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
