I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
