so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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