Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
