oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
There's even glitter on my cock...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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