I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
