I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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