Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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