I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
