do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
