Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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