hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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