My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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