Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
