I think I am morally bankrupt
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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