oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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