Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
