I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize