Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
two words: eviction party
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
