i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
