i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
