kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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