they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize